LOVE ME SOME HERMAN!

Summer brings sun... and that leads to suntans.  Help s-p-r-e-a-d the love and do someone's back for them. It's such a nice gesture... don't ya think?

Have a great weekend and... use that sunscreen!

Ride on...
Lady R

GETTIN' READY FOR A REDNECK SUMMER

Summer is right around the corner and it's time to get your outdoor cooking gear in order.  I love eating food that's been cooked outside.

Ya know...?

There's nothin' better on a hot summer day, than an ice cold beer and a tasty steak, hot off the grill. 

REDNECK COOLER


REDNECK HIBACHI


REDNECK GRILL

Okay then!  Let's eat!

Have a great weekend everybody!

Lady R

THE BADGE

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go into that field over there," as he pointed out the location.

The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "Look mister... I have the authority of the federal government with me!"  Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... on any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams.  He looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs......

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

  

Have a great weekend everybody!

Lady R

SOUTHERN GRANDMA

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question... if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.  He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" 

She responded, "Why, yes.  I do know you, Mr. Williams.  I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.  Yes, I know you."  The lawyer was stunned. 

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.  He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.  He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.  Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.  One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney nearly died!

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

Have a great weekend everybody!

Lady R

FRIDAY FUNNY - THE POND

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up

nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator..."

Some old men can still think fast.

FRIDAY FUNNY - TAKING CARE OF YOUR SCHNAUZER

Joker

Author's note: I'm sorry I was absent Monday, but my little Joker has a pinched nerve at the base of his neck which has been consuming my attention.  It's a terrible thing to hear the little guy cry and whimper in severe pain and I cannot do anything to alleviate the problem.  We have him on anti-inflammatories that are starting to help him, but we may not be out of the woods with his problem.  Our vet said, dogs can suffer the same fate as humans when it comes to disc problems and spine issues. The funny thing is... we are talking Chiropractic therapy to avoid surgery.  Go ahead... roll your eyes, but I have been known to be a bit off the deep end when it comes to my four legged babies. In light of my dilemma, I've decided to share this loving pet owners demise as she does the necessary things to take care of her own precious baby. Enjoy!

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, trimmed the hair, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this  from recurring, she should go to the store and get some Nair hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some Nair hair remover.  

At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." 

Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.  If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well... stay off your bicycle for about a week." 

FRIDAY FUNNY - CRABS AND BLONDES

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand."

 Not one hand went up... so she took them home and ate them.
 
Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

FRIDAY FUNNY - THE MIRACLES OF MOTHER NATURE

The Miracles of Mother Nature... 

 

 

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'

'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

'Try it now,' said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?


The bee answered,

Wait for it...

'

'

'

'

Wait for it...

'

'

'

I see you smiling!!

Have a great weekend everybody!!

Lady R

FRIDAY FUNNY - HOW TO TELL IF A CATHOLIC IS DRIVING TOO FAST

HOW TO TELL IF A CATHOLIC IS DRIVING TOO FAST

Hail Mary, full of grace...

Have a nice weekend everybody!

Lady R

FRIDAY FUNNY - ARE WE THERE YET?

I feel like time is traveling so fast...


I hate mirrors! Have a great weekend everybody!

Lady R

FRIDAY FUNNY - FIVE RULES TO A HAPPY LIFE

Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah.  I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest?


FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

FRIDAY FUNNY - THE RESURRECTION

The pastor of a certain Baptist church had called all of the little children to the front of the church during the morning service. They were all dressed in their cute Sunday outfits and the pastor had them all sit down around him.

The pastor spoke: "This is a beautiful sight - you all look so handsome and pretty. Now, today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone here know what the resurrection is?"

One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor said, "Jimmy, please tell us what the resurrection is".

Jimmy, beaming with pride because he knew the answer, announced in a clear loud voice, right into the microphone: "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!"

It took a solid 10 minutes before the pastor could speak again - and then there was so much laughter going on that his sermon was forgotten - but Jimmy's answer won't be.

FRIDAY FUNNY - HOW FIGHTS START

You may have seen some of these before, or they may even be about you... but nonetheless, they are still funny. The first few are definitely for the men, but don't worry ladies... I put a few gems in for us.

FOR THE GUYS...

**********

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No", she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes".

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started...

**********

My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

**********

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...

**********

A woman was standing nude in the bedroom mirror.  She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat, and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started...

**********

AND NOW, FOR THE LADIES...

**********

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept starting at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I replied, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

**********

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.  I told the woman that was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt."  So, I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.  She said, "That silver hair on your chest in proof enough for me", and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security Office...

She said, "You should have dropped you pants.  You might have gotten disability too."

And then the fight started...

**********

SAVING THE BEST FOR LAST...

**********

Saturday morning I got early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.  I hooked the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.  The wind was blowing 50 mph., so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.  I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And then the fight started...

Have a great weekend everybody!! And... NO FIGHTING!!

Lady R

FRIDAY FUNNY - RODNEY CARRINGTON ON MARRAIGE

A couple years ago, we saw Rodney Carrington live in Panama City and I think he's funny as hell. I decided to share a little clip of his show for your Friday Funny today.

I'll warn you, there's sexual content and bad language... but he will still make you laugh.



Have a nice weekend everybody!

Lady R

FRIDAY FUNNY - SHOPPING FOR THE LITTLE WOMAN

For those who like to get ready for Christmas early, this is for you.  I've been holding on to a collection of old advertisements that have worn out there effectiveness.  All I can say is... it's a good thing for the men of this country!

SHOPPING FOR THE LITTLE WOMAN

"My husband loves me!"

"Just what I've always wanted!"

Coffee Maker... Coffee Maker... Coffee Maker... pleeeease!!

"Aprons and feather dusters? Hmmmm..."

Have great weekend everybody!

Lady R

FRIDAY FUNNY - THE HONEYMOONERS

Carrying his beautiful bride across the threshold of their Honeymoon suite, the handsome groom was giddy with excitement anticipating their first night together as husband and wife. As he set his bride down, the young groom decided that he better set some ground rules right up front for their marriage.

He took off his pants and tossed them over to his new wife and said, "Put these on."

Puzzled at his request, she took off her dress and pulled on the pants thinking it was some kind of newlywed game. She laughed when the pants were obviously too big for her, as she had to hold them around the waist just to keep them up. She said, "I can't wear these, they are too big for me."

Without batting an eye, her groom answered, "That's right. And as long as you understand, that I wear the pants in this family, we will have a long and happy life together."

The new bride smiled at her husband and let the pants fall to the floor. She then removed her panties and tossed them across to him and said, "Here, you put these on."

Not sure where she was going with this, the groom thought he would humor his bride and try to put her panties on.  He couldn't even get them up past his knees when he looked at her and said, "This is ridiculous, I can't get into your panties."

The new wife responded, "And that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes!"

FRIDAY FUNNY - "...BUT YOU COULD HAVE".

An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.

When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

She demanded to know why the charge was so high. "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay!  I didn't even have breakfast."

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate', and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.  She insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."

"But I didn't use them," she said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous. "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," the Manager said. "But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said."Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is for $50.00."

"That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaimed the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

FRIDAY FUNNY - THE DRUNK

THE DRUNK

This guy was sitting at a table in a bar and was about as drunk as it's possible to get. A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.

First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down.  He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.

After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door. 

His wife comes to the door, and one guy grinning says, "We brought your husband home."

The wife looks around and asks...

"Where's his wheelchair?


I wonder if his name was Bernie?

Lady R

FRIDAY FUNNY - COPPER WIRE

After digging to a depth of 10 feet last year outside of New York City, New York, scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 100 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a Los Angeles, California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just outside Oceanside. Shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists report a finding of 200 year old copper cable, and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, a local newspaper in Boaz, Alabama reported the following: "After digging down about 30 feet deep in his pasture near the community of Sardis City, Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Alabama had already gone wireless".

Just makes a person proud to be from Alabama!

FRIDAY FUNNY - HOW TO GET TO HEAVEN

The teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven.

She asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me to Heaven?"

"NO!", the children answered in unison.

She asked, "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me to Heaven?"

Again, the answer was a resounding, "NO!"

By now, the teacher was starting to smile as she observed her young pupils. This was fun!

"Well then," she continued, "if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me to Heaven?"

Once again, they all answered, "NO!"

The teacher was just bursting with pride for them.  She asked, "Well then, how can I get into Heaven?"

A five year old boy in the back of the room shouted out...


"YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"


Have a nice weekend everybody!

Lady R