Dear Diary... a glimpse into the pages of journal written by a woman rider.
October 2, 2009
I can't sleep. It's 4:00 a.m. and my mind won't be still. I toss and turn, trying to recapture that comfortable place of nothingness, but it eludes me. As my journal, I realize you'd rather hear how exciting my last ride was, or what a beautiful day it was while on it, but I can't do that today. Instead, I need you to lift my burden of restlessness.
I can't shake this pain in my heart. A pain that was not brought on by anything I did, or didn't do, but a pain that is there... out of love. I looked up the word in the dictionary. It says it's "an unpleasant sensation caused by the stimulation of certain nerves, esp. as a result of injury or sickness; a distressing emotion."
We've all been there... standing on the sidelines, watching someone you love experience the pain. Whether it be from physical injury or emotional distress, we watch helplessly as they fight through the challenge of not letting the pain overcome there whole being. Praying and hoping that they'll feel our strength, giving them the will to go on and fight, and not give up.
How many times have we wished we could transfer the pain from them to us and why do we feel that way? Is is because we think we are stronger and can handle it better? Do we think it will overcome them, and are frightened of what that result will bring? I'm not sure of the answer to that, but my guess is it's because we don't want our loved one to go through the pain and misery alone. Which makes me realize... pain has no boundaries.
We share the burden of pain with them. We stand by their side, whether their pain is emotional or physical; we stand by them until they realize that nothing is insurmountable with the support and love of family and friends. We stand by their side as they see the light and feel the grip that pain had on them weaken and dissipate. Each new day brings strength and comfort as they make progress.
My restlessness comes from pain. Pain of sharing the grief over lost love, pain of sharing the grief over senseless accidents. Pain of knowing that you cannot control the happiness or safety of those you love.
Pain. Please move on, I don't want to feel you anymore.